So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
