Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
