if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
