I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
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His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
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After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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