Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
