Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
