I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
