the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
