I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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