his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
please don't ironically join a cult
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