I wish i was in the wii world.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
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she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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