I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
