today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
