Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
