I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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