I met the friendliest cop last night
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
