Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
