She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
