when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
