Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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