I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
