my mouth tastes like poor choices
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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