can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
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so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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