just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
