Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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