vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
