Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
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So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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