hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
