I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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