Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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