Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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