It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
