This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
