he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You're like the curious george of whores
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
