My room smells like vodka and shame
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
