20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
