it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
