Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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