That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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