VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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