I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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