I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
