I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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