just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
