Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I need to stop coming to work sober
The beer is more important than you right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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