just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
