I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
