Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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