I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
