Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
