do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
