this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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