Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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