Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So vagazzling was a success
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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